I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I am available for nakedness
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
