He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
