i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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