You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
