took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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