I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
