that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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