She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
My ATM looks so different sober.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
