I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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