My cat gives me a boner
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
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