i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
