farters have to be the big spoon...
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I need to wash the frat house off of me
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
