He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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