If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
