Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
