rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
