he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
