yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
The Olympian is in my bed
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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