Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
