I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
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