are you still at the devil's house?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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