I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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