You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Randomize
