And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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