I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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