So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
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