It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
