One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
