He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
