i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
