Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
