i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
