I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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