i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I need to stop coming to work sober
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
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