I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
It's shark week go big or go home
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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