Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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