Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You're completely useless in the revolution.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
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