There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You need a sexual gate keeper
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
