Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
