I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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