Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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