fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
