I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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