no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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