So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
