Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
