checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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