dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
