I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
