I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
