I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
im drinking this country out of the recession.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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