My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
