I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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