I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
