apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
