you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
