Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
