Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Randomize
