I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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